My whole life, I've been pretty athletic. I'm not talking award-winning, eye-popping feats of the body or anything like that, but just enough to not embarrass myself whenever I engaged in sporty endeavors. In elementary school, this included the game "Chicken."
For those of you who aren't familiar (where were you in elementary school? living under a rock?), 2 kids start out on opposite ends of the monkey bars. You go towards the middle, and when you reach the other kid, you kick them so that they drop to the tanbark before you do. I mean... I guess you could've also punched and or bit, but those aren't really tactically sound considering you'd have to take your hand off the bars or risk getting your face kicked in...
Anyways, one day in either 4th or 5th grade (I think it was 5th grade), I was getting set to go across the monkey bars during recess. I noticed there was someone at the other end, let's just call him Derek (but that's not his real name, and no this is not about Derek Lui LOL).
Before I continue, let me tell you a little bit about Derek. He's an alright guy, as far as kids go. He's actually fairly nondescript - nice and not noticeably smart or noticeably stupid. No major characteristics to make him very likable - not witty, or outgoing, or whatever else it is that kids like. But his one major failing was pretty significant - this kid was a goddamn crybaby. I mean, anything that could be even slightly construed as offensive would get him going. Basically, this kid was looking for any and every excuse to shed some tears. It certainly annoyed the hell outta me and definitely hurt his social standing. To make matters worse, he wasn't very athletic, so it's not like he spent much time playing tag or basketball with the rest of us. He was pretty much a loner.
So I see him across from me on the monkey bars, and I make it clear that I'm not trying to play Chicken. I'm not really in the mood for such a confrontation, plus I know I'm much better at this game than he is. He should be grateful I'm not forcing him to play (read: lose) against me. I know it and he knows it, so he agrees that we'll just make our way across the monkey bars in peace. I start making my way out, bar after bar. When we meet at about the midpoint, I'm maneuvering to turn myself 90 degrees so I can get past him without any contact. It's at this point that he decides to wrap his legs around me and yank me off the bars, laughing his ass off as he does so.
My thoughts as I dropped to the ground:
- ...are you kidding me?
- Have you no sense of gratitude?
- I mean jesus christ, Derek. I coulda kicked the crap outta you if I wanted to, but I didn't.
- We even agreed BEFOREHAND not to engage. Why the shenanigans, buddy??
- Uggghhhh.
- Why must you do this?!
- I don't want to be an asshole, but you're making it really difficult on me right now.
...and then I hit the tanbark. If you can't tell, I wasn't amused at all. What could I do? Pull him down? I mean there was no point, considering I'd already been dropped. Not to mention that he was fat, so it wasn't really worth the labor. Maybe treat him to a dick punch? Tempting, but not something that occurred to me at the time.
Fortunately for me, while I was standing there fuming, I noticed that one of his shoes had dropped from his foot in the course of his dastardly betrayal of our agreement. I picked it up, and he stopped laughing. This was, once again, my opportunity to act as the purveyor of karma's immediate retribution - and I wouldn't fail.
"Hey, give that back!"
I don't know if he meant it, or if we were already at the point where both of us knew what was going down, but there was no way in hell I was just going to hand this scumbag back his shoe. They say to treat others as you'd like to be treated, and this kid just treated me like a real asshole - so I treated him right back.
"Go get it," I told him, chucking that shoe with all my might. It flew out of the tanbark box, across some dirt, and landed in the sandbox. If that's how he wanted to play at recess, he could hop his ass one-legged across the way to get his shoe back. I didn't really give a damn if he was capable of it, or if he had to get his sock dirty by walking across the tanbark, dirt, and sand.
Revenge firmly in hand, I stood in place to watch his pitiful reaction. He released his grip on the bars, landing on the foot still housed by a shoe. He slowly began to hop his way towards his shoe in a really dejected manner - shoulders slumped, downcast facial expression. But before he got there, he stopped at the edge of the tanbark box and sat down. And do you know what this motherfucker did next? Do you remember his one major failing??
Yep. Instead of taking what he got like a man, he turned on the water works. Before you know it, a crowd of students have circled him and are asking him what's wrong. Without even saying a word - PROBABLY 'CAUSE HE WOULD'VE LAUGHED OR SMILED, GIVING AWAY HIS ACTING JOB AS A VICTIM - he pointed at me as his sobs continued. And this one girl - really nice girl, I've known her all my life and I can say she's got a heart of gold - goes "What's WRONG with you, Minh?!" Even filled by righteous anger, I felt pretty awful when she said that. But the deed was done, and I obviously couldn't explain away my actions, so I just walked away, really exasperated at how I kept getting the short end of the stick in the span of just a few minutes -_-.
I could say something about how being spiteful just ends up screwing you over, or how I would have been better off just taking the high road in that situation. But I'd be lying to you if I said that. Throwing that shoe gave me tons of satisfaction and a story I still enjoy. Don't get me wrong - I know it was wrong, but I mean... does that mean you and I can't get a kick out of it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯??
