Chronicles of the Moon (Episode 1)

                For those of you who don’t know, my senior year of college was a breeze. I came back to get my minor in Education, and that consisted of just a handful of upper division classes and some 80+ hours spent as a teaching assistant in a kindergarten class and a 3^rd grade class. Even years 1-3 were not too academically challenging – I struggled with tons of new ideas, sure, but there was never a time where understanding truly escaped me; I balanced it by making sure to take lots of classes.

                Anyways, I kind of had a lot of time on my hands. Struck with this boredom and driven by the knowledge that this was my last year at school, I really wanted to do … something. Anything, really. But what could I do? Somehow, the idea got into my head that I should moon a class. Don’t ask me where it came from – I honestly do not know where most of the things in my mind stem from, but they’re typically funny and interesting, so I try to give them weight. And no, I didn’t sit around thinking about some cool shit to do. Literally the way it happened is that, I was talking to my roommate one day, and said something along the lines of “You know what would be dope? Mooning a class.”

                And once I put it out there, there was no going back.

                Derek wasn’t game to do it himself, but he was with me every step of the way: planning, talking about the logistics, and most importantly, egging me on (which, let me clearly state here, was a very important factor. I needed encouragement to unlock the hilarity within).

                With regards to planning, the most important decision for us was the timing.  I wanted to do it during a final because that’s when everyone would be quiet and a mooning would cause a real ruckus – y’know, kicking the door open so that everyone’s attention is captured, big ol’ shit-eating grin on my face because I know what’s about to happen, turn my back to the door, pull my shorts down and expose my posterior.

I mean, just imagine: seated at a desk in the middle of a 3-hour final, you’re concentrating pretty hard because – hello, this shit matters – when suddenly the door slams open. You look up and there I am, with my million-dollar smile, and you’re wondering why in the hell I’m just standing there – is this guy gonna come in? is he even in this class? What the hell is he just standing there for?

You’re anxious because GODDAMMIT YOU’RE TRYING TO TAKE A TEST – but at the same time you can’t help but be distracted and before your brain can come up with any sufficient answers – there it is. My big, pasty ass - for your personal viewing pleasure.

Perfect scenario, right? I mean, if you don’t understand the appeal… just quit reading. You and I, we don’t share a sense of humor, and it’s probably best if we just stop trying to be friends. In the event, however, that you do find this situation absolutely, knee-slappingly hilarious…read on.

 Even though I painted the perfect picture for how I wanted things to go down, Derek talked me out of it. His line of thinking was basically: it’s a final, the mooning has the potential to be really disruptive, people could end up getting screwed…. Alright, fair. I put my hands up and surrender perfection in the name of responsible pranking. I’m far from perfect, but I’ve rarely not given other people consideration. So we settle on the next-best option – the very last lecture of the quarter, on the Friday before Finals Week. We reason that people are going to be on the cusp of cramming and that a last-minute laugher could provide some much-needed stress-relief before they go into exams. Although, to be completely fair, a mooning would be hilarious regardless of the timing. Again, though, that’s just your friendly neighborhood Minh & Derek… always thinking about how we can help others… don’t mind us… hahahaha.

So that’s how we settled on a day – now we had to nail down a specific time and location. I sent out a text to a couple of my friends, asking them when their last lectures were. One of the replies came from Goblin (we’ll call him that because… that’s what I actually call him) – Friday, 1:00pm. It fit into my schedule, it fit into Derek’s schedule – perfect. We told him our plan and he was all for it – who doesn’t approve of a good mooning anyways??

Fast forward to the night before the big day, I ask Goblin what lecture hall he’ll be in so Derek and I can conduct some reconnaissance. The next day, we case the joint about an hour before Goblin’s lecture is set to start – it’s one of the bigger lecture halls at school. It’s set up like stadium seating – if you enter the lecture hall from one of the two entrances at the top, there is a downward slope to make it to the front of the class (where the professor lectures). These top entrances are not really ideal for the job – we’d have to get everyone’s attention for them to turn around and look up. Kind of a hassle, so we’d prefer something else.

We head down to discover that there are two ways to get in at the bottom of the lecture hall, placed opposite each other. On the left hand of the lecture hall is an entrance, right behind the lectern where the professor lectures – far too close to the professor for my comfort. The other way in is not officially an entrance – they are exit doors that only open one way (for students heading out of class, not for people to get in). Unfortunately for me, this is also THE prime location for two reasons: it’s across the hall from the professor (a good 70-100 feet of distance, I’d guess) and at the bottom of the lecture hall (where everyone’s attention will be during class).

Having already decided against the top entrances, we had to come up with a solution. What could we do? Well, the “entrance” we wanted at the bottom consisted of double doors. Well, why’s that important? I don’t think this goes for every set of double doors, but for both doors to be closed, they had to be closed in a certain order; in this case, the door on the left had to be closed first in order to close the right door. Simple solution? We positioned it like we were trying to close the right door first such that it propped both doors open. If you don’t understand… the bottom line is that we found a way to make it work. Excellent.

We left the lecture hall, knowing we’d be back soon enough. We headed to the library because we had about a half hour to kill before our return. My nerves were already pretty high just checking out the lecture hall and envisioning how it would go down – I was really committed to this, but the anxiety just kept building as we waited for the time to pass.

I got a text from Goblin: “Are you still doing it?” I checked the time to see it was 1 – 20 minutes had already passed! Y’know what they say – time flies when you’re about to show a bunch of strangers your ass. Or… something like that. Anywho, I texted him confirmation and we gave it a few more minutes before heading out. I was going to make my appearance after the class got settled in – about 15-20 minutes into lecture.

As Derek and I walked to the lecture hall, we (or was it just me?) were getting more and more excitedly nervous. To be honest, there were plenty of things I was feeling. Giddy and happy for sure – this was gonna be hilarious. Nervous, too – could I really go through with it? I’d never done this before. and some reluctance for good measure – as long as I hadn’t actually done it yet, I could still save myself and just call it quits.

We continued on and made our way behind the lecture hall to make it to the back entrance. We dropped our backpacks off outside the building – no point having extra weight to run away with, we could grab ‘em as soon as we’d made our escape. The plan was for us to make our way to the bottom of the lecture hall. I would stand in the doorway, turn around, and display my ass by pulling my shorts down. Derek’s part was to kick in the door. Somewhere along the way I realized how difficult it would be to have to throw the doors open, turn around and expose myself for a couple seconds before covering up and running away. The time saved by having him there was real precious – this certainly wasn’t a one-man job. So anyways, he’d kick open the door and run away, leaving me to entertain the masses for a good few seconds before making good on my own get-away. Sweet and simple, no?

Alas, Derek and I arrived at the double doors we propped open to find that… they were no longer propped open. Whether by chance or not, someone had literally shut the doors on our dreams. What could we do? We went to the other set of double doors – the one right behind the professor’s lectern. Also closed tight. We were all out of options, and couldn’t go through with it at all.

But wait! The hell kind of story about mooning could this be if there were no ACTUAL mooning??

Right by the doors was the handicap button that reads “Press to Open” with the blue picture of the person in a wheelchair. This could be it – maybe the doors were locked while lecture was going on, but this button could be our savior if that wasn’t the case. There was still the issue of being so close to the professor, though – I could hear her lecturing, but I couldn’t place just where she was. I texted Goblin asking which side of the room she was on, and he told me she was on the end where I’d originally planned to commit the mooning. Just like in my last story, things just happened to be perfect for me.

Welp, the only concern then was whether or not the button would activate the doors. Although far less dramatic than actually throwing a set of doors wide open, Derek still fulfilled his role by pressing that button. He left, and I stood there facing the doors to see if they would open. Instead of swinging open like we’d originally planned, these doors were inching open. Anyone who’s seen an automated door knows exactly what I’m talking about. I’m not sure if time slowed because I was so nervous or if the doors were ACTUALLY taking that long to open, but as they did, I could see – through the tiiiny crack between the doors – that someone was standing <5 feet away from me, facing the class. The professor was still on my side!

If there was any time to call it quits, now was it. The doors were opening at a glacial pace and even if people saw me, all I was doing was standing there. I could still just turn around and walk away.

My level of commitment was stronger than that, though. If the doors wanted to open slowly, I figured the class would just get a reeeeeal long view of me. The nerves disappeared when I decided on my course of action. I turned around, pulled my shorts down, and started to wiggle my ass. It was at this point I realized I had no idea how the hell long I was going to do this for. In my head I just started counting.

As captured in video (…which will remain unshared except for private viewings), the teacher’s reaction was first to glance back to my ass. Realizing what she was looking at, she then turned forward at the class as if to say “what in the WORLD?!”. She then turned her gaze back to my ass…only to discover that I had vacated the scene. She turned back to the class, resting her chin on her hand as if in thought, and then threw her hands up in the air. I mean… I can imagine what was running through her mind. Astonishment – after all, how often do professors get mooned? Confusion – who was I and what was my purpose? Amusement – hahahah, a pasty ass. If that isn’t worth laughing at, I don’t know what is. I mean, a stranger just shook his bare ass in her direction – how else was she gonna take it?

The class chuckled and the professor continued her lecture. I ran away, laughing my ass off, heart racing a mile a minute. Even as I’m writing this out, I’m not certain what the hell was so thrilling about it. I mean, I certainly didn’t have any investment in this particular class – it was full of students I didn’t know and a professor I had never even heard of ‘til that day. Even the reaction wasn’t great – it’s not like the class exploded in laughter upon sighting my ass. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Regardless…it was hilarious, and I felt thoroughly accomplished with myself. I mean, how many of you can say hundreds of people have seen your ass? Hahahaha, not too many, I bet! So anyways, that about sums it up for the first time I showed a bunch of strangers my bare booty. There are 2 other instances (hence the “part 1” in the title), but honestly I’m not sure if they’re worth telling. Hope you enjoyed!