After writing my last post, somebody remarked to me that they had expected more anecdotes. It's not that I don't have any to share, but I'm also kind of reluctant to share. On one hand, I don't feel like they're worth sharing because I truly don't consider it a big deal - whenever someone says or does anything racist, I know it just reflects a lot more of their character than it does mine. On the other hand, I guess it's nice just to get it off my chest and get it on paper to look back on some time. Plus, y'know, sharing experiences and perspectives and all that good stuff. So, I've made the decision to share a couple examples of what I'm referring to when I write about being Asian. I'm describing one microaggression and one outright racist incident that, combined, have contributed to making me more conscious of my Asian-ness than ever. [Also, if you don't know the definition of the word microaggression: "indirect, subtle, or unintentional discrimination against members of a marginalized group" (Oxford Dictionaries)]. There have been more than just 2 instances, but I feel like these 2 sum it up pretty nicely as far as my experiences go.
At a professional development session for my school district, the math teachers got together for some planning. As part of the training, we did some ACT word problems. At some point, there was a word that the person running the session didn't know how to pronounce, so I read it for her. Just a few problems later, she was reading another word problem and then stopped and asked me how to pronounce something else. I hadn't really been paying attention, but I figured she'd just come across another long or difficult-to-pronounce word. My eyes darted through the word problem looking for anything that could be tricky - y'know how word processing doesn't take very long? Well in microseconds, I had looked the problem up and down and my eyes lit up on the
only word she could be referring to - "Zhang," as in the name. The word problem involved car sales and the name of the person selling the cars was Zhang. Which she didn't know how to pronounce because she's not Asian. Which
I didn't know how to pronounce because I'm not whatever background you need to be to recognize it. Anyways, I give it my best shot and pronounce it "zang" (...like any-fucking-body would, Asian or not). Immediately after I do, though, I look up and make eye contact with one of my friends to give each other the double-take, like did that really just happen? I laughed it off afterwards, but my take on the whole thing can be summed up with this photo:
The part of me that doesn't feel bad at all thinks it was inevitable - Asian-looking name, ask the Asian guy. No-brainer, right? The irritable side thinks ... well,
was it inevitable? If I'm reading and come across a name that's foreign to me, do I just gloss over it, knowing it's irrelevant to the problem? Probably, yeah. I mean at the end of the day, when things like that happen I'm just not really sure what to make of it. Does it hurt me? No, not really. It makes me feel unusual, sure, but I'm no stranger to that feeling, nor do I find it one to be particularly harmful. Someone with more tact than me could have probably found a way to turn it into a learning moment, but I just let it slide because I didn't really care. I'm not really tryna make waves and I don't know how to react otherwise, y'know? So yeah, that's it for that story.
Another time, I was out playing some basketball with a couple roommates. A few young black men in their 20's rolled up to play with us, and one of them was being
very aggressive. He kept calling me Jackie Chan and saying I was Chinese, then told me not to worry because he isn't racist. O...kay...? I didn't say much because I had just met the guy and... I mean, I teach high schoolers. The ignorance runs strong at school. So anyways, we proceed to play. Turns out he's from Akron, Ohio (where Lebron is from). This tidbit's important. Later on in the game, he decides to chuck the ball really far and has to run to go get it. He takes his sweet time, and we're waiting around for a long while. As he nears the court upon his return, someone on the court tells him to "Speed it up, Akron" (pronounced "ak-rin") and he's immediately fired up - "Did you just call me African?!"
"No man, I said Akron!"
"Oh okay, good. 'Cause I was gonna have to tackle you or something"
Cue the eye rolls. This black guy spends the first 5 minutes on the court calling me Jackie Chan and referring to my Chinese background (which is wrong)... then gets upset at being called Akron (because he thinks he's being called African).
So.... yeah. It's weird because this situation, while having everything to do with skin color, actually doesn't have anything to do with skin color. At least, that's not how I'm reading it. What it does involve, though, is ignorance, insensitivity and sensitivity alike. Ignorance on his part to assume I'm Chinese. Then the insensitivity on his part to single me out for my skin color.
Then the sensitivity on his part to be offended for what he perceived to be getting singled out for
his skin color. IT JUST MAKES NO SENSE. I didn't even care that he thought I was Chinese - I only cared when HE started caring about being called African. Like... what kinda ass backwards processes are going on in your head? Just recently you were being wildly aggressive about me being Jackie Chan, and now it hurts because you heard somebody call you African (which didn't even happen lol)? It boggles my mind how people could be like that: you assume something about someone else and still find the feelings to get upset when someone else does the same to you. This is not exclusive to race, but of any features. It eats at me because it boils down to a few things:
- You made it this far through life without realizing that when you assume, you make an ass of u & me.
- You feel the need to
obnoxiously broadcast your assumptions
- You are an overly sensitive baby back bitch. The world doesn't owe you shit!
- You just don't have the good sense to shut your goddamn trap
I say that last bullet because we all make assumptions - it's fine, that's exactly what your brain was made for. It stores information and remembers things for a reason. I'd be lying if I said I don't make assumptions all the time. However, just have the sense to make the distinction between what you are assuming and what is real. And if you can't do that, then try not to be so loud about your ignorance. And if you can't do that, then it's probably a good opportunity to reevaluate yourself.
At the end of the day, it's just weird to be singled out for my skin color. It doesn't bother me in the sense that I wish I weren't Asian or anything stupid like that. I just keep coming back to one adjective: weird. It's a complex thing and I don't have any expectations because I just expect these issues to go away with time. It's all solved with some decency and sense, but I'm not sure how to effectively bring that about. So...what do I or we (as a society) do? Who knows.
When I first started this, I wrote that these weren't a big deal to me, and I stand by that. You can tell the two different events get me worked up to a certain degree, but even still... I just chalk them up to a couple of life experiences. I appreciate that Asians don't have it anything like minority groups who feel like their lives have been marginalized, but it also makes things more confusing. So the way I deal with the confusion? Just to always try and be a decent person, mostly. Because I'm pretty sure the concept of race isn't one we'll outgrow in our lifetime, unfortunately. Oh well - what can you do ¯\_(ツ)_/¯?
